Hm. So I need to learn how to control my feelings and not let little simple things bother me aljkdghljkfgh ::takes deep breath:: I’m alright. So here I am watching the kids choice awards with Britt at her grandparents house, while visiting her relatives who drove up from Georgia. I stayed with them for a week last April vacation, and their presence makes me miss the South horribly. After bringing Britt to Vegas sometime, I think we definitely need to make a trip to New Orleans. Not exactly Georgia, but the South none the less. I wouldn’t mind living down there, or possibly going to college there. I’d like to think decisions like that won’t have to be made for a while, but I know that high school is going to fly by. Still, I do have plenty of time. But as far as moving far away from home, I say I could do it, but I’m not sure. On the ride here, I was thinking about how my family all live relatively close to each other, within a few towns, and goes the same for Britt’s family. I don’t think it’s going to be all that easy to move away from everyone I know and love, and everything I’m comfortable with. But I don’t want to stay in Stafford. I can’t help thinking I’m destined for greater than just getting by in a small town. Not that there’s really anything wrong with Stafford, it’s a good town to grow up in, safe and clean mostly, if you’re smart and know how to stay away from the bad things. Stafford is a whore. But it’s not exactly the town I want to make my living in. I don’t even think I’m going to really live anywhere after high school/college. I’m going to be a rambler, just viewing the world and all it has to show me. Definitely liking the whole "get a job, save up lots of money, and just leave" thing. Europe, Asia, and quite possibly even a simple tour around the states. So many possibilities. I definitely like the idea of being a drifter. Yay for my new found glory.

Hey. Have not posted in a while. But then again, what's a couple of days in the eyes of eternity? I'm starting to hate things more and more, which is in turn making me hate myself. For almost everything I do. And people just seem to always find a way to make sure I know I'm a complete fuck up. I didn't even open my mouth once when I got home, and alls my mother could say to me was, " you don't even need a new computer. This guy at work said alls you have to do is load up this and it will get rid off all the shit you have on there and blah blah" I told her I did need a new computer, because mine has been fixed so many times, its way past due. Then she went on about how I have absolutely no responsibility and I can't take care of my things and I don't deserve a new computer. And I just stood there. Listening to her. Until she had to leave for work. I'm not quite sure what's wrong with her lately, but she sure seems to love to make me feel like shit. Telling me things I don't want to hear, because her noticing these things only confirm my fears. What those are will of course remain within my own head for the time being.
Ryan said a funny thing to me yesterday in history. "Ya know, I'm starting to think I should give you my psychiatrist's number." Do I honestly look that upset all the time? I understand that I feel that way, but I wasn't aware that it was radiating in such a sense that Captain Conceited seemed to pick up on it. I'll get out of this slump. Not quite sure how. It would be nice to have 1 person I could completely speak about everything to. I find myself censoring my self towards my friends, not necessarily because what I'm holding back is about them, but more to the point that there's just some things they shouldn't know. Besides, my complaining is just a nuisance.
Everyone's annoyed with Ryans new found confidence. Sure, he's incredibly cocky and annoying about it, but if he truly feels that good about himself, good for him. I'm finding it very hard to have a single ounce of confidence in myself. Certain things aren't helping either. Though I do nothing to help myself. And I do nothing to gain your help either. Maybe I don't need help. Only security. 

hm. Whats that word I'm looking for?

Imprudent?
Impulsive?
Impatient?
Imperial?
No… that's not it. Though those could apply
Ah yes. I was going for Imperfect.

Pale static face
Freeze frame frozen
Your porcelain doll
Smash me for change
Facade looks better in pieces

Cold stone hands
Clasp a glass heart
View fragile falsehood
Imaginary strings pull
Heart looks better in pieces

Eyes that end entities
Vacant stares nothing away
Your painted pictures plain
Monotone strokes silently
Canvas looks better in pieces

Labyrinth time lapse
Mind tangles thoughts
Headache heals confusion
Words are a beautiful weapon
I look better in pieces

Allstar me220: the world is an imperfect place
Allstar me220: there's the understatement of the year

Take My Feelings Away. Just Make Me Numb. I Don't Want To Feel Anymore. I Don't Want To Have To Worry About This Anymore. Please. Or I Will. Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death Death. The proverbial kind of course.

From: The People, Yes
By Carl Sandburg

The copperfaces, the red men, handed us tobacco,
The weed for the pipe of friendship,
Also the bah-tah-to, the potato, the spud.
Sunflowers came from Peruvians in ponchos.
Early Italians taught us of chestnuts,
Walnuts and peaches being Persian mementos,
Siberians finding for us what rye might do,
Hindus coming through with the cucumber,
Egyptians giving us the onion, the pea,
Arabians handing advice with one gift:
"Some like it, some say it's just spinach."
    To the Chinese we have given
    Kerosene, bullets, bibles
And they have given us radishes, soy beans, silk,
 poems,  paintings, proverbs, porcelain, egg foo yong,
gunpowder, fourth of july fire crackers, fireworks,
and labor gangs for the first pacific railways
    now we may thank these people
    or reserve our thanks
    and speak of them as outsiders
    and imply the request,
 "Would you just as soon get off the earth?"
holding ourselves aloof in pride of distinction
saying ourselves this costs us nothing
as though hate has no cost
as though hate ever grew anything worth growing
yes we may say this trash is beneath our notice
or we may hold them in respect and affection
as fellow creepers on a commodious planet
saying, " Yes you too you too are people."

-I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy
I wish you were here-

Everything happens for a reason, eh? Yes. Field trip today was fun, but really really cold. Bus ride there was bizarre. Made an interesting connection between two stories, and I'm only just starting to piece together little things. It's amazing how connected things are, and how fate seems to piece itself together right before your eyes. That same sentence just repeating over and over in my mind. I want the full story. The full perspective. But not until its ready to be told. Patience is something I'm trying to hold within this heavy heart of mine. Hmm….

"But Then Again…." My favorite contradictory statement. I did indeed set today aside for myself, Somewhat. Watched Two Towers with the father for a large portion of the day, with random thinking fits here and there, whenever reminded of something. The presiding mood of today has mainly been malcontent. Mommy dearest has done her best to contribute her loving nature to any mood swings I already possessed. I’m not a sarcastic person, mind you. Ha. Didn’t accomplish much as far as figuring out how to improve my current situation. Every thought I conceived seemed to lead me down the same damn road. Not a road I want to travel. Eh, -sigh- I want to say why do things have to be so complicating. But that’s wrong. I make things complicating. Stupid mind. You’re reeling all day, and when I go to write something, you don’t work. Maybe things are exactly what they seem. But then again, maybe they aren’t.

-Bat your eyes girl
Be otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong with being happy
Kudos to those who see through sickness-

Impulse feeling to not being home or alone for most of the weekend is extremely good. Save for a few brief moments here and there, I didn't have time to ponder about my troubles and worry about this or that. Friday night with Ally and Britt was definitely a great time, I was able to laugh and enjoy myself fret free.  Tonight was mall trip with n8, heather, and Jon. Jon bought me a pretty bracelet made of linked triquetras. I feel bad though. People shouldn't spend their money on me. Tonight was extremely fun too. Figured some things out, which extremely lessened my worrying by quite a bit. It's funny. Greenwheel song pops into my head " as hopeless as this seems, there's a reason for everything" It's amazing how one small thing can completely reassure you and make any doubts you had disappear.

    Now, I say impulse feeling about not being alone was good. When peering further into this inextricable labyrinth some may call my mind, the feeling changes just a bit. I don't know if it would have been a good idea to set some time aside for myself to just think and focus on myself like I said I was going to do. But I can't jump ahead of myself. No saying you're going to lose the race if you haven't even run it yet. There's always tomorrow. I'll have the whole day for myself, because it's a Sunday. I'll be sure to get some r & r as they say. Maybe shut my computer down and tell the parentals to hold my calls. Not like anyone calls anyway, but being just my luck as it always seems to appear, whenever I need to seclude myself and hide within myself, people tend to need me more than I need myself. Which doesn't bother me, because as it may have become evident, I tend to put myself aside. Which is ok because in making people happy, it in turn makes me happy. And what's so wrong with being happy?

Don’t really want to say too much tonight. I don’t want to open up to people. They don’t want to hear it. And I don’t want to say it. All the things I ever need to say, I write down. Words are a beautiful weapon. Please don’t be upset with me for not wanting to speak my mind. Eventually I’ll come out of my self-containment. But not now. I also can’t quite deal with a lot lately. I’m kind of just collectively picking up on everyone’s emotions, including my own, and letting every thought, memory, and dream pile up in my head in an uncoordinated decomposing heap. I’m trying to make heads or tails of everything, mainly my feelings and how to improve them without hurting others. But as selfish as this seems, I’m really just trying to focus on me for the moment, and what will make me happy and what will make me a better person to be around. It’s easy to blame things on others, but it’s much harder to take the condemnation yourself. And I’m finally starting to do that. I can’t change everyone else, but I can change myself. And I mean that in the most optimistic way possible, despite my pessimistic mood. I can’t carry on letting the things that bother me get to me anymore, when there’s something I can do about it. Sure, I’ll still play the silent witness, but I’ll be thinking of ways to express my pain other than just suppressing it and pretending that I’m perfectly fine if I’m not. I’m very good at speaking my own mind and putting things into words, just not when it directly involves and effects my personal and deep feelings, and quite possibly the feelings of someone else. I won’t take up brutal honesty. But people deserve to know how I feel, if they’re making me feel that way. Still going to play the silent witness for a while though. I’m working on expressing my feelings.